I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
