I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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