I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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