Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
