I can tuck mytits in my pants
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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