My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
