You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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