Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize