Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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