Who wears a wallet chain?!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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