Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'm jealous of your bromance
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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