I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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