A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize