So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize