I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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