It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
