A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
