Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
