Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
