One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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