You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
