Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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