Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
