Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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