Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
