Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I touched a dick in church today
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
