My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
