The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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