WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize