i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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