you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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