matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
