dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
