I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Houston, we have a squirter
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
