she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
