how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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