i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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