Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Found your dick twin last night
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
