He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
