The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
