oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
