perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
