i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
