Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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