U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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