I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
