2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can text with my tongue
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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