Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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