My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
