Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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