the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
3 2 1 whiskey
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
