Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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