Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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