I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
