Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I could make wine with my vomit
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize