I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
