No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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