The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize