i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
