and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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