yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize