I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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