I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
