Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
