He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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